3 YEARS... Thanks for reminding me about this blog Matt LOL

Holy shit... it's really been three years since I posted.... and a lot has happened since then. Been cheated on. I've fallen in and out of love, traveled to Japan, Korea, and Taiwan!! Made new friends, lost new and old friends, gained weight, lost weight, gained some more weight. Found out more about my sexuality and gender. Started talking to my family again...stopped talking to my family again. Started talking to my sisters and building a healthy relationship with them. I also recently started talking to one of my brothers. So that's interesting. I don't know how long it will last but hopefully things keep getting better ^^

Oh yeah...

I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!!!! And I got a JOB!!! I won't start till July but I'm excited!!!

It's been a hell of a rough journey but I'm here! I didn't kill myself!!

I'm lowkey not joking about that.

It was all thanks to the new friends I've made. They've become my family... something I've never really had. I will forever be grateful!

I thought after my fall out with my friends of 12+ years and my biological family that I would never be able to trust another human being again. However, that has changed and I've made tons of great friends. They are the best. They keep me motivated and keep me believing that maybe life is worth living and that things are not all bad. We laugh and joke a lot. It's wonderful. I had forgotten what it felt like to laugh and be happy.

***TMI TIME (Feel free to skip this section)
Dealing with constant anxiety and depression for the last 3+ years was not fun. I know I joke a lot about my constipation with my friends but it's pretty bad. I've been dealing with anal fissures, internal and external hemorrhoids, blood in my stool, stomach pain, pelvic pain, super abnormal periods etc. I thought I was dying... maybe I am dying but who knows. All I know is that it is scary and I just try to not think about it. I just thank the universe every day I don't have chronic pain. I've started taking my medication again to make me have periods. It's working okay? Took me 4 months of taking it to finally have a period. But it's progress.

****TMI OVER*****

I've cut my hair really short too. At first it was because my hair was so fucked up after I had been pulling from stress, anxiety, depression but now I've grown to like my hair really short. It fits pretty well with my gender identity. Yep I've come out as nonbinary (NB). Which I recently discover was as Transgender identity. Boy has my ignorance about LGBT labels gotten me into trouble LOL. I'll talk about that in another post. Welp I guess this is enough deets for now. CYA!!! I should be asleep... it's 3:45am.... BYE..

Soo... about that last post xD

This semester has been ROUGH!! Omg... I have been so exhausted! But the end is near :D Finals start next week and then my beautiful summer awaits me :)

But back to the topic of this post.. so my diet never started... I ended up drowning myself in school work and got stressed out and depressed again... so never went to the gym...

But I did eventually destress and lost 5lbs :P Better than gaining weight right? lol

But yeah once this semester ends I will be on my grind again. My goal is to exercise more and eat healthier... I not really concerned with weight lost but if it happens it happens. I just want to be more active and live a happier and more fulfilling life.

Things have been kind of depressing for me lately because I still do not know exactly what I want to do. I know the things I like to do but I am constantly distracted and haven't found a way to combine the things I love together... maybe I'll figure it out someday... but for now I'm just going to work on being happy.

I don't think I have been truly happy for a long time... sometimes I wonder if I was ever really happy. It's weird I am always happy when my friends are doing well and wonderful things are going in the world.. but I've never been happy for myself... and if I have I haven't been for awhile.

I need a change of pace... guess it's time for a road trip this summer :3


ALSO

Since my current major is Japanese I will be making Japanese/English  post in the future ^^ I want to get used to using Japanese all the time :P

Current Weight + Measurements

WEIGHT: 245lbs
HEIGHT :  5'11
BUST:120.5 cm/ 47.5IN
WAIST: 101.5cm/ 40IN
HIPS:  122cm/ 48.5IN

I currently haven't started my exercise plan or eating plan but I am working on it. I will definitely start by Monday of next week. This week I have a lot of unfinished business I must work on. So I must get those distractions out of the way first. But wish me luck!

Fell from grace... and now I rise!

It's been almost a year since my last post and a lot has happened. To be honest I never thought I would make it to this point. I was extremely depressed and felt betrayed by all the people that were closest to me. I wanted to die.. I no longer felt like my life had meaning because everything I worked hard for was for them.

However, I realized that my life was not to be dedicated to people who didn't care about me. It not even just about me. It's about making the world a better place than you left it. I wanted to change. In my depressed state I was no help to anyone. I was lost in the fog of lies. Lies from people I cared about and lies from myself. I am free now. 

It took depression, betrayal, and suffering to realize the truth. I am grateful for it all. I regret none of it....not a single bit. It has made me a stronger and more open-minded person. I saw the errors of my own way. I realized I wasn't happy the way I was and wanted to be free. 

Despite my depression and body image issues I fought through it all. I continued working full-time and going to school. I graduated from community college and got a scholarship to a university thanks to the support system I had and still have in my life. I traveled like I always wanted to do with the money I put aside for the friends I thought I had if they ever needed help. My friendship with one of my friends who I now consider a best friends strengthened. I realized that even though there would be people who would hate me just for being black that there would be people who would appreciate me and be interested in me as a person. I learned to love myself for who I truly was... it was magnificent.  

Life did have its setbacks though. I ended up being forced to work nights due to some circumstances and evil people. I gained weight and spent all my savings because of my depression. I was involved in strange relationships. For awhile I lost myself in the chaos but in the middle of it I found a part of the real me. Now it is time to continue finding myself. I have only scratched the surface of my potential. And those who ever looked down on me better WATCH OUT!

Stop fat shaming! Be proud of health!

Lately I have been seeing a lot of nonsense online about people disrespecting other because they aren't a certain size or weight. What rock have people crawled out from under?

Healthy does not come in one shape or size and neither does beauty.  I'm 200+ pounds right now and probably can run faster and longer than a lot of skinny girls out there. I not afraid to share my weight because guess what people its just a number. I don't let my weight define me or my health.

I hate hearing these stereotypes that if you are fat that must automatically mean you eat junk all the time and sit on your ass. That is not the case. I know a lot of people who eat right and are active and don't look like these celebrities they force feed you on TV. 

Everyone has fat on their body. However, the way is it distributed is genetic just like eye color, hair color, etc.Through the lifestyle you live you can lose or gain weight but the way your fat is distributed will be the same.

So stop making impossible goals guys! Be healthy! That should be your aim. No fitting in those jeans that weren't designed for your body type anyway. I'm no longer stressing myself out about my weight so you shouldn't either. As long you look and feel healthy don't worry about what that scale tells your or the lies doctor's tell you.

LOVE IT!!

Got my limited edition red and leopard print hello kitty bag today!!! Also found out that sanrio is having a 20% off sale of their tokidoki collection today so I jumped on it!!

I will post pictures later :D So excited!! I also got a chance to use my new camera today!

This has been a very good day for me. Just sharing some joy! Well talk to you later guys! Nap time before the gym and then off to work :P

Grab a cup of tea my pretties

For the past couple of months I had been having trouble with depression and I have really and lacked energy. I was feeling drowsy and sad because I was gaining weight and didn't have energy to do anything. However, recently I have discovered a love for tea! It not only gives me energy but it also has great health benefits! Black and Green teas have been my staple! Below are the benefits of this two teas :)

Black Tea:

Increases Energy

Boosts Immune responses

Reduces Stress

For more info check out:

http://www.healthdiaries.com/eatthis/9-health-benefits-of-black-tea.html

Green Tea:

Increases metabolism

Helps with Depression

Protects against heart disease, diabetes, cancer, etc.

For more info check out:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/11-benefits-of-green-tea-that-you-didnt-know-about.html

IT ALSO DECREASES CRAVINGS AND BLOATING!! Which is a huge help since I'm trying to lose weight!